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Sometimes brilliance caresses you like a lover. Sometimes it snaps you with a wet rat tail in the locker room after gym class. And then, sometimes, it slumps all over you like a Norseman sated after a bout of ale sodden sex with his favorite captive Irish girl.

What Hollywood should do is make a feature film from an old TV show. Sounds farfetched I know, but who's with me...Three's Company! Yes. Starring Eva Mendez, Jaime Pressley, and, Mr. Chris Kataan!

Another idea? A biopic about the seedy life of Monty Hall. It worked with Chuck Barris. Who knows what Monty was into. Look, he ran a show populated by middle aged housewives dressed as canned hams and turkey legs. He asked personal questions, "Ma'am, do you have any ribbed condoms in your purse? How about a nickel bag and some Zig Zags?" And his sadistic sleight of hand with the doors. "You could win an awesome dishwasher, or a herd of mistreated goats from the Hall Fanily Farm. All you gotta do is choose wisely."

On a roll here. A live action Jetsons movie. Danny Devito as Spacely. Will Ferrell as George. The Pop Tart du Jour as Judy.

Nah, that one sucks. Let's move on.

Are there any reality shows with surly British men browbeating the contestants? I'm not sure. Ooh, maybe the British assmunch could sit next to some inebriated bubble head. That might work.

Would it be too much to ask that Michael Moore produce a documentary illustrating the scourge of morbidly obese busybodies with God Complexes in America? I'd watch that. Or not. At least he should take the Jared challenge and eat only Subway for years. The pounds just slough off like snowdrifts off your car. Probably because six months in you've all zest for life, and eating is just another dreadful milestone in your infernal hell on earth.

And I'm spent.

I also promise to lay off the glib movie catchphrases...that's all I've got to say about that.

Posted by: mikey at 08:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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